Reality Check.

Reading some very disturbing things in Hosea. The wrath of the Lord against Israel for forsaking Him for other gods. God is angry, and it's not pretty.

Yet I'm grateful for the reminder that He does not exist simply for our enjoyment. He is not a fad or an abstract belief that comes in and out of existence based on a decision to chose or discard Him.

Why would we think that reality, time, and space revolves around us anyway? Where did that idea come from? Who among humans has earned that status? Does the one-dimensional line have the right to act as king simply because he cannot comprehend the two-dimensional plane? Does his inability to see and touch all aspects of the second dimension negate its existence? He might believe with all of his heart that he is the final and greatest of all realities, and yet he is a fool.

Sometimes, we humans, though faced with every evidence of things that we lack the ability to create or comprehend, still deny the existence of anything greater than ourselves. Some even presume upon the idea that if, indeed, some such being did exist, its responsibility should be to ensure our happiness. That its concept of justice, goodness and fulfillment should find its source in ours. That its priorities should be in line with our priorities, and its time frame in our time frame. As if we hold the most accurate picture of reality, past, present, and future. As if we understood how the most minute decisions fit into the larger scheme of history. As if we lit every star and orchestrated galaxies. As if we manufactured the original spark of life.

As if the line could fathom the plane.
As if the plane could fathom the cube.

Scratch that.

As if a point could fathom the millionth dimension.

If Home Is Where The Heart Is...

It's weird that only a week ago I was up in the mountains of Newara Eliya. We've only been home for 3 days, but somehow the tea fields and elephants and little healing hearts already feel like a past life...

I was so adamant that this trip would be more than just a cool experience in my life, yet my gut reaction is to put it in it's own little compartment in the back of my mind to be accessed only when it is convenient... all in an effort to be present in the present. It's working, and it's almost too easy. The thought of diving back into all of the memories and emotions that filled my life just 4 days ago is overwhelming, yet I still want those weeks to invade my present and my future.

At the same time, I look at a picture or watch a video and suddenly, life in Sri Lanka seems more real than the life I've been thrown back into here in La Mirada. How do I reconcile being in two different worlds almost simultaneously? How do I function at full capacity when half of my heart is still over there?

And so begins my (least) favorite part about cross-cultural experiences... processing. If home is where the heart is, then, at least for the moment, I am homeless.

Day 40

I'll tell you one thing, I'm sure looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight, especially after getting hardly any sleep in the London airport. And now, after the longest Saturday of our lives (literally... that time change was brutal), we are home.

What an amazing experience... I've left Sri Lanka with my mouth hanging wide open, in awe of the last 40 days that my team and I got to participate in. God is crazy.

I hope my mouth stays open, 'cause God isn't about to get tame.

Day 37

During one of our road trips we made bucket lists... so I thought I'd share a few of the items on mine.

Complete a triathlon
Become a baker
Memorize the gospel of John
Learn to play the harp
Get thrown in jail
Become a personal trainer
Meet Steven Curtis Chapman
Hear one of my songs on the radio

Making a bucket list made me realize how many "bucket list" items I've already done. Riding an elephant in the mountains of Sri Lanka, for instance.

Like a boss. :)

Day 36

Sitting with my second cup of tea in a beautiful house up in the mountains of Newara Eliya. It's freezing here, which is kind of crazy considering the weather we've had for the last five and a half weeks. This is the best tea I've had the whole trip I think. The lady hosting us at this house has been cooking for us and I have a sneaking suspicion that she is making something American for breakfast. This is a wonderful and much needed break to end our trip with. We've done so much traveling in the past few weeks, it's ridiculous... The pink bus has become our home, and we laugh about how we feel like a traveling performing group in some ways. Everywhere we go we are asked to sing, dance, and share testimonies. It has been awesome. I am so glad I came on this trip, and I'm so glad I am one of the leaders, even though it's been hard. I just hope I'll be able to process all of this well so that it doesn't become just a passing experience or distant memory.
I could easily stay here longer, if that was an option. Normally at this point on a trip like this, we'd be eager to go home, but this time I don't mind. Content is a good word to describe how I feel right now.

Day 31

Mark 4:20 ends the parable of the sower with the seed that falls on good soil, bearing fruit thirtyfold, sixtyfold, even a hundredfold. In the next section, Jesus says "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away" (Mark 4:24-25). I think this is referring to gifts and opportunities... how fitting for what I've been thinking about lately. I'm in a pretty ideal place in life to get up and do anything, anywhere, but the temptation is to not develop a vision or take risks in pursuit of that dream.

Be Thou my vision... only You, nothing else. Your presence is my guiding light, for I know You are with me always.
Be Thou my wisdom as I sit, stand, and walk with You. You are my Father, and I am Your child. We are one, just as You are one with Jesus, Your Son. May his prayer in John 17 be true of me.
Be Thou my battle shield, my sword for the fight. You alone are what I take pride in, and what I find joy in. You are the safe place where my soul finds shelter and strength. Draw me closer to You as I find my power in You.
Riches I heed not, nor the empty praises of men. You are more than enough for me, now and always. You are the greatest reward. Would You alone be first in my heart, for I have been granted the King himself as my treasure.
High King of heaven, You have won my victory for me, now allow me to reach into Your dwelling place to see a glimpse of Your glory. No matter what happens, my heart is Yours, and Your heart is mine - would You stil be my vision, O Ruler of all.

If faithfulness means losing my life early, then so be it. If faithfulness means living a long life, then never let me grow tired of doing Your will.

Day 29

A week and a half left… really?

I have so much to process, so much to think about, and I don’t want to forget any of it. First things first though, I’ve been really neglecting spending time with Jesus, and that has been no bueno. It's cool to read about how Jesus himself took time alone to be with his Father in the midst of ministry... at least He had to be intentional about it too. 
I've started to read the gospel of Mark, mostly because I know I need to dwell on the words and actions of my Jesus, especially as it relates to spiritual warfare and healings. I know I need to be reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit in such a spiritually intense and dark place such as this. Hinduism is really crazy, and made me really uncomfortable when we came into such close contact with it in the North… maybe more about that later, but let me just say that I am so glad I serve One God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving, creative, gracious and compassionate, fully just, fully holy and eternal. One God.

Day 28

Been thinking a lot about my future and my attitude towards it... the last year or so, I’ve lost all excitement for the future, and have gotten really discouraged about each possible choice or career path. But rather than focusing on the pressure to have a 10-year plan, and to take all the right steps to make that a reality, I think God first desires to re-capture my heart. I think He wants to re-ignite the passion to love and serve Him in each individual step, no matter if I see the purpose of the step or not. I think He wants to re-ignite the sense of adventure that comes with the unknown. I think He wants to re-ignite the excitement that comes from knowing that He has made me in a unique way for a unique purpose – one that I am already filling. I don’t think that we are made to fulfill one task or one event or one career that the rest of our lives are simply spent preparing for or looking back on. Though major accomplishments can bring a sense of fulfillment or purpose, they are not the proof of our purpose. Our God does not create beings of such detail and complexity simply so they can spend their short existence trying to prove themselves to Him. We don’t even need to prove our significance to ourselves if we believe that Jesus (aka God’s Son), of His own will, died for our sake. That God himself deemed us worthy of an eternal relationship with Him that He would suffer and die for. That our worth is not something that we earn, but something that was given to us by the One who dreamt us into existence for His glory. Oh yeah, did I mention that our lives are for His glory, and our suffering is for His glory, and our joy is for His glory, and our salvation is for His glory, and the death and resurrection of Jesus was for His glory, and the new heaven and new earth and our renewed bodies and eternal life will also be for His glory? Did I mention that God is the One that is most jealous when we try to withhold praise or claim that any of that glory should go to us?

Anyway, what does any of this have to do with my life or Sri Lanka? Well, I don’t expect that God is going to tell me what to do next. That would be cool, but I don’t think that’s how He usually works. What I do hope is that He would renew my excitement for the future and take away the fear. Not all the fear, perhaps, but the disabling kind. There must be a difference. Philippians 4 says to “be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, make your requests known to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus our Lord”. It doesn’t say, “make your requests known to God and He will tell you which path to choose every single time”. God wants our relationship with Him to be one of dependence and trust. The dependence, whether we acknowledge it or not, is already there (try to remind your own lungs to breathe every 3 seconds for the rest of your life), but the trust must be practiced. Through that trust, in that dependence, there is peace. We know that God is God, and we are not, and that is good. My life is not my own, and I am ultimately not defined by my vocation, or even my ministry, though that may be how people choose to remember me. My life is Christ’s and my purpose has been determined by the same One who formed me in my mother’s womb and who drank the cup of God’s wrath on my behalf… for His glory. 

Day 27

We are up North, once again in Tamil country. This weekend has been absolutely exhausting! Actually, this whole week... I’m not sure I ever fully recovered from the trip to the East. As Uncle Joseph wisely said, “tiredness is temporary, but what we are learning is permanent”.

Later…

Wow, this has maybe been the best day so far, and it's only 2pm! The highlight was probably when I exchanged bracelets with the Lieutenant Colonel of the Sri Lankan Army. Let me explain. 

We left the hotel early this morning, stopping here and there for sight seeing purposes, and at military checkpoints where we had to show our passports. I also signed something that probably meant they could arrest us if they suspected anything fishy, which, I’m not going to lie, would be kind of exciting. 

To interrupt and give you a little bit of history… 3 years ago, Sri Lanka saw the end of a 30-year civil war between the Sinhalese and the Tamil people. This war took place mostly in the North (Tamil country, though suicide bombings took place all over the country), and because of this many Tamils migrated out of the country. What is left is a land that is dry, barren and war-torn. Only very slowly have the Tamil people begun to move back up North, re-building their homes and trying to create sustainable life once again. 3 years ago, it would be impossible to travel beyond the first military checkpoint, and even today it is difficult for natives to get through, let alone foreigners. However, our translators (Uncle Joseph and Auntie Josephine) have been building relationships with the people of the north, and were able to get special permission from the government to take us to this area of the country. Our purpose in going was to visit house churches, attend the larger service on Sunday, and experience a little bit of what life looks like in a post-war community in the meantime.

On our way to a house church, we went through the Army base. As we got off the bus, the Lieutenant Colonel greeted each of us and escorted us to his quarters. He talked with me as we walked, and I was surprised at how friendly and welcoming he was. At his home, we were each served a giant coconut to drink the milk out of! So cool. He told us about his work in the community, and it is evident that he leads by putting others first. I can only imagine the impact he could make if he knew Christ as His Lord and Savior. 

As we were thanking him and saying goodbye, he noticed my bracelet (from Thilini’s brother’s reconciliation movement in Sri Lanka), pointed to it, and asked if I wanted to exchange with his! So, I am now wearing his army green “Brave Hearts” bracelet, and he is wearing mine. No big deal.

We finally made it to the house church around 4, and spent time worshipping outside on woven mats, singing and listening to testimonies. By now, Jess and I know a couple of songs in Tamil, so we joined them in singing those, as well as a few in English. Between Thilini’s Sinhala, our English and everyone else’s Tamil, we were worshipping in 3 different languages! Glimpses of heaven, baby. Just sayin’.

House church in the North

Now we’re on our several-hour trek (and not the good kind with Vulcans and spaceships) back to the hotel. I definitely have a headache, this bus is cramped, and I have sand inside my jeans. Sand inside my jeans. Don’t ask me how that happened, I’ve been trying to figure it out for at least an hour. I want to do is sleep, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen till we get back to the hotel.

Later…

So, maybe today was the best and the hardest day of the trip so far. That bus ride home was brutal on everyone after such a long day, and when we got back to town we stopped in at one of the pastors’ houses for dinner – nevermind that it was after 11pm. These Sri Lankans are funny about their meals sometimes. When we finally got back we had to have a team talk about attitudes and stuff like that... just an exhausting day all around. Church tomorrow at 7:45! Here we go!

Day 24

Today was our last day in Colombo with the teenage girls (a home located at the church where KS houses abused and abandoned girls) and it has been really cool. The first day was kind of awkward ‘cause we didn’t really know what to do with them, but by the end of the day we had broken down some of the initial barriers of language and culture (Madumali translated for us), and started the process of getting to know them. Yesterday we brought my laptop and taught them part of our Bollywood dance routine from Mock Rock (imagine 3 white girls teaching a bunch of Sri Lankans how to do an Indian style of dance. Pretty ridiculous.) followed by a huge dance party. It was really fun and helped break down a few more barriers. Today we took it to a more serious note, and had Michelle share her testimony with the girls, followed by a short study and activity on identity.

I can’t believe we’re coming up on our fourth week here… before we know it, we’ll be heading home. I hope that this will be an experience that changes me and continues to challenge the way that I think. As one of our guest speakers told our team before we left, missions is not an event, it’s a narrative. I don’t want this trip to be something I look back on as just a cool experience, but I want it to influence the rest of my life as it bleeds seamlessly into my story. For as much as we talk about missions here, I still don’t feel like I have a good solid theology on it. Even thinking about going home can be a little intimidating sometimes, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to articulate all the things I’ve learned.

Please pray…

- That the teenage girls would be able to find their full identity in Christ, and would not return to their old pattern of living. Unfortunately, many leave the home and return to very abusive living situations because they don’t think they deserve anything better.

- That God would solidify these memories and lessons that I am learning in a way that affects my decisions, character, and walk with the Lord.

Day 23

Traveling to the East this weekend was one of my highlights of the trip so far. It is a dryer, hotter climate, and since they speak Tamil rather than Sinhala, we had to start over in our language learning endeavors. I am proud to say that I can now say "my name is", "what is your name?", "thank you" and "how are you" in 3 languages. 5 if you count German and ASL. A huge cultural difference, like I mentioned before, is the more extreme dominance of men, and consequently, poor treatment of women. The hardest part was probably just being exhausted all weekend, since I think we were running on like 6 hours total, but Pastor C. and his family took really good care of us. Sri Lankan culture is incredibly hospitable.

Pastor's home

We got to attend a fasting and prayer meeting directly after breakfast and immediately followed by lunch - that's my kind of fasting - and then took us to the beach! I jokingly asked if we could go out on one of their fishing kayaks, but they took me seriously and found us a boat to take us out on the river. Can't say I'm sorry, 'cause it was awesome.

The beach with brown sugar colored sand

A fishing kayak 

A piece of the Catholic cathedral that fell during the tsunami in 2004

We spent Saturday night at house churches, and then attended the Sunday morning service which is made up of all the house churches combined - about 75 people in all.

Pastor C. asked Ji and I to each share a message on reconciliation for the house meetings because of the way the cast system affects those in the church - not to mention the division amongst the Sinhalese and the Tamils who just ended a 30-year long civil war. Who am I to speak into such an issue, you ask? Great question. Luckily, wiser men have already written about it in scripture, so all I had to do was teach their words. Ok, God's words. It was a really cool, stretching experience, 'cause I've never prepared a message like that before. Jess and I also got to sing some Tamil and some English songs at church.
I think my favorite part of the trip was playing with the kids from the church on Sunday afternoon. I definitely didn't want to leave.

Day 21

Things I wish I had:

a guitar pick
scratch paper
an alarm clock
gum

So it turns out that Tamil culture is even more male-dominated than the West… The hardest thing to get used to is that it is disrespectful for a woman to cross her legs in the presence of a man, especially in church. I definitely failed many times with that one.

Got to spend some time today talking to Pastor C., the pastor who leads the church plant and house churches in this area. He has faced a lot of violence and persecution for his faith, but he has a vision to reach the Hindus, Muslims and Buddhists in this town.

Church building

Please pray:
- For Pastor C.’s vision that 10 people from each village across the lagoon would come to know the --Lord (there are 600 villages)
- For perseverance and faith amidst the heavy persecution of the Christian church
- For the completion of their church building

Day 20

Just arrived to the East coast of Sri Lanka after a 10 hour train ride through the night. I didn’t really sleep, but we had some great conversation and our translators taught Jess and I a couple songs in Tamil (the language they speak in the East). Sri Lanka is made up of two people groups, the Sinhalese and the Tamils, and amazingly, they speak completely different languages. We have spent all of our time on the Sinhalese side of the country thus far, and this weekend a few of us get to experience Tamil culture…  so exciting! 

The train, taken at 4:45am on Saturday... :/

“This Is The Day” in Tamil:

Ennaleyeh, ennaleyeh
Carrterr pa dei tall, carr terr pa dei tall
Kalli kurru wom, kalli kurru wom
Mahil kon da du wom, mahil kon da du wom

Ennaleyeh carrterr pa dei tall
Kalli kurru wom, mahil kon da du wom

Ennaleyeh, ennaleyeh
Carrterr pa dei tall

Day 17

We have been at the farm almost two weeks now, and surprisingly, it has started to become my new comfort zone. Of course some things are still difficult, but the few comforts that we do have, like air conditioning in our rooms and showers, are enough.

It’s going to be really difficult to leave these kids in 3 and a half weeks. Tonight after prayer, Timashi (one of the troublemaker twins in the girls’ home) held on to me and wouldn’t let me go, even as I was trying to hug and kiss the other girls goodnight. It’s not that she or any of the other kids are especially attached to me, but that they yearn for love and affection so much that they soak it up whenever it is offered. It tears at my heart and makes me want to stay forever. I want to watch them grow and develop into young women who are confident and compassionate towards others. I want to help them discover the unconditional love of their heavenly Father. So yes, it is going to be hard to leave.

Timashi and I

Day 15

Well, I'm pretty proud of myself. I've been using the bidet for over a week now (if you don't know what a bidet is, go look it up somewhere, or maybe ask your mom). The nicer places have the option of toilet paper, but many don't, so at least I know I can survive most bathrooms. Sometimes it can be really confusing though, like when all there is is a bucket of water next to the toilet... seriously, what am I supposed to do with that? Luckily, I enjoy this kind of thing. It's all an adventure.
Time for a confession: I'm starting to get tired of eating rice and rice products. It's to the point where I just don't have an appetite at most meals because rice and curry can pretty much always be expected. Don't get me wrong, rice and curry is delicious... but three times a day can be a little overwhelming. 
We eat with our hands here... just with our right hand, actually, and licking your fingers is considered rude. That's been one of the hardest habits to break. It's been fun to learn the technique of eating this way (yes, there is a technique), and the Sri Lankans like to watch us try. They get a good laugh out of us.

A typical lunch at the farm... yeah, what was I complaining about again? 

We wash our own dishes here at the farm, and try to help with cleaning up as much as possible, but the kitchen staff doesn't let us do much. Amazingly, none of us has gotten a tick or lice yet, even though the dogs have ticks around their eyes, and many of the children have lice. Those are two fears that I have yet to conquer...

The kitchen and dining hall

 Taking a tour of the farm

I have no roommate at the moment, which is kind of nice, honestly. Whenever Thilini or the other Sri Lankan girls are here they are my roommates, and that's great, but I love having time alone too. I think Pastor A. was right in saying that I am more of a melancholy personality. I didn't quite believe him at first, but I definitely do now. No roommates means I can have a clean room, and no one with laugh at me when I re-pack my bags every few days. That's normal, right?

I've been thinking about this idea of "mission trips", and what qualifies as one. Yes, we are here to help, and to love on people and share the hope of the Gospel, but isn't that what all of life is? I'm just living for Christ in another country temporarily, that's all. So, in that case, is a "mission trip" just the act of making people's lives better by pretending that we have all the answers? If so, I don't think we are doing a good job of stewarding Christ's love. If it is a trip where you are giving and receiving, and allowing your own worldview to be expanded as you are also willing to serve, then maybe "mission trip" is a misleading term. We are not here to accomplish a mission, we are here to meet brothers and sisters, aunties and uncles with whom we will share eternity, and to join with them in the great commission. We are here to learn and pour into each other, even to develop lifetime partnerships that seek God's kingdom. If short term "mission trips" are for the purpose of accomplishing a task only, then I'm not sure I believe in them. 
See, the power of the Church is not in her money or her resources. The power of the Church is not even in her identity (a tricky statement that I am cautious to make because true identity as it is found in Christ is powerful. However, it is far too easy to distort that into thinking that we are God's gift to the world, when God's gift to the world is Himself). The power of the Church is Jesus Christ, and while he has gifted many in America with finances and material resources - and yes, those things are blessings - he has gifted the Church in Sri Lanka with faith, and the Church in Haiti with perseverance, and the Church in South Korea with prayer. We were not meant to operate alone, or to compare ourselves with one another, or to drop off a good deed and then continue to live within our comfort zone. The analogy of the church as a body applies on an international scale as well, and maybe more humility towards the third world and developing Churches is what we need. I hope this doesn't sound harsh... I'm just thinking out loud. Anyway, it's laundry time... bathroom sink, here I come!

Apparently, we chose the rainiest day of the trip to do our laundry. Literally ten minutes after hanging our clothes on the barbed wire, it started pouring. Thinking the damage had already been done, we decided to just leave it on the line and wait for the rain to stop. It did, but before the clothes had gotten a good head start on drying, it poured again. and again. by the third time, we saw we were in a losing battle and needed to change our tactics. Pretty funny. Its actually really nice to have a change of weather though. Still humid, but not as hot.